Category Archives: my thoughts

4th child journal my thoughts

4th child journal 3

May 20, 2009 – 4:56 pm

I continue to dream, dream of the time to start trying to conceive, dream of the delight in wondering whether I’ve conceived, dream of the time to take the test, dream of the results. It is hard now, to keep my mind off of it, but I’m sure the best time to try for our fourth and final child is a bit later. The more time goes by, the less sure I am of our choice to get pregnant, but the more sure I am that I want four kids! Can that possibly make any sense?

June is still so little, though her initiation and success with her own potty-training suggests otherwise! And Sid wants to take a family vacation to Tokyo at the end of Summer. It will be nice to not be pregnant while traveling. It feels right in my heart to wait until after June is 3 to give birth. So hopefully, conception will occur sometime this fall, maybe around my birthday? We’ll see.

At an estate sale a few weeks ago I was picking out some books to buy and I came across a copy of Name Your Baby and I had to get it due to the fact that it was only 50 cents. It has been fun to go through it page by page and, again, dream. I was surprised to see the name Aveline in there. And I’m even more surprised that the name is so rare, given that it was included in that book which was printed in 1986 (it seems to me that every mother would want to name her baby daughter Aveline!). Just now I found a post-it note on one page in the girl names section with “Jessica Jennifer Shannon Monica” scrawled on it. So fun to come across an expectant mother’s dreaming! I do the same thing, practice writing out the prospective name, middle name with Stankovits trailing. Then if it looks good, I write out the names and middle names of those of us who already exist alongside. So fun! Sometimes, when I get just too pumped about this other little person I want to raise so badly, I think that if I write out my current favorite names (one boy and one girl name) and decorate the paper with my bestest creativity, then that’ll stave off my baby appetite for a while! I haven’t quite gotten to that point yet, though : )

So much to look forward to! Summer trips and a break from structured education, a possible trip to Japan, starting a new semester with a new educational philosophy and a possible pregnancy somewhere thereafter! Life is so good, God is so good. And that’s where I’m at with that.

Looks like I overpaid for my copy!!

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4th child journal home life my thoughts

4th child journal 2

May 4, 2009 – 9:07 am

I wrote this last Thursday, the 30th.

Today has been a day that has really tested my commitment to our decision to have another baby. Overtired, overwhelmed, overemotional was Jennifer today. I’m thinking of Will Ferrell’s character in the movie Stranger Than Fiction plopping down on his bed and declaring, for his phantom narrator, “Harold, distraught. Harold, distraught.” I wasn’t that bad all day, but enough to make me wonder . . . Am I crazy to want to bring another little one into my care? Or worse, am I irresponsible to move toward that goal?

It’s the end of the day, and looking back I’m wrestling with something I said to Sid when I spoke to him in the eye of my mental storm and he asked, “And you want another one?” My answer was, “I don’t, I can’t do it, forget it.” Even as I said it, I knew I didn’t really mean it, that answer came from my false self, or as Dad puts it, my sarchotic self.

As I now reflect, I think that there are quite a few things I could have easily chucked today that would have brought on a considerably more quiet and restful atmosphere for my thorough exhaustion. All I would have needed was a good excuse, such as ‘I have four kids,’ or ‘I have three kids and am pregnant.’ All the extras would have fallen by the wayside and Jennifer would have been given priority. I wouldn’t have worried about the messes so much because I wouldn’t be having the party on Sunday. I wouldn’t have done an intense craft store session for supplies for the party favors, as I carried a sweet little sleeping girl which was causing a cramp my shoulder muscle, because, again the party would either not be happening, or it would be low key. I realized, I’m doing extra stuff right now because I can. Because June is at an age and a stage, where she grants me freedom I haven’t known for the last almost two years. Utilizing that freedom to do the extra stuff is enjoyable now, but it is extra and it will be chucked as soon as it hinders the well-being of myself or my babes.

So back to the answer I gave Sid, I would like to have another shot at that one. I have a revised response and it is, “Yes, I do want another one, what I’m dealing with now has nothing to do with the kids, it’s in my head, it’s my exhaustion.” There back to my good ol’ real self, or again as Dad puts it, my pneumatic self.

In other words, I am finding my previous doubt to be unfounded. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit will grant me the wisdom, grace, patience and creativity to manage the demands of a larger household, peacefully. That’s how He rolls. So far I consider the work He’s done in me to be nothing short of miraculous, and He promises to be faithful to complete it, so . . .

He’s telling me now to pay attention, I did see it all coming today, and I walked right into it without taking a minute to breathe and be aware of my sensitive (maybe volatile is the more accurate descriptor!) condition, I chose my frantic state over the option of quieting down and absorbing the peace God was offering. I went ahead of God’s grace and if I’m serious about wanting another baby then it is my responsibility to try as best I can not to let that happen, but instead to always stop . . . breathe . . . open . . . and feel God’s love and let Him lead, whether He would direct me back to bed, or on with the day’s tasks.

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4th child journal mothering my thoughts

4th child journal 1

April 30, 2009 – 7:43 am

As the dream of a fourth child continues to thrive in my being, I have begun to take great joy in observing my cycle. Counting days to the right time, counting months to seasons and their possible parallel trimesters, counting perhaps a year to a due date . . . I didn’t do that with my others, not until I already had a positive test in my hand. I felt silly, like I was being presumptuous dreaming so far ahead. Now, I feel the necessity, the drive, to plan. I’m responsible for the daily care, feeding and education of too many people to not plan something so huge as the addition of another person to our household!

I pulled Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, off the book shelf the other night and placed it in waiting for a few quiet moments. I was practically giddy as I looked forward to getting to pore through all that wonderfully relevant information. I feel I’m uncovering part of the mystery of God’s design for women and mothering when I read about hormones orchestrating microscopic events leading to potentially enormous ramifications in the generating of new people! When my time came I thoroughly enjoyed sharpening my understanding of my body and I recommend the book highly.

I believe it’s chapter 17 that’s devoted to gender selection. The author describes The Shettles Method. It’s all about the timing, if you get your timing right the method is said to be 75-90% effective (75-80% for choosing girls, and 80-90% for choosing boys). Sid and I are gonna try for a boy. But we are not setting our hopes on it, truth be told I hope for a girl just as much as I hope for a boy, we just feel like we should have a boy to balance things out a little. Names have begun to swim around in my mind, I’m treasuring nurturing this dream SO much!

As I prepare to try to conceive (aahhh!, did I really just type that!?) are there any books you would recommend?

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4th child journal mothering my children my thoughts

A new series of posts

April 27, 2009 – 9:10 pm

I recently watched a special on one of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen, an idea of his particularly stuck with me. He believed that what is most personal, is also most universal. When you read his writing it is easy to see that this principle guided him, such a precious, open and giving soul he was. In that spirit I would like to start a sort of series of personal writings on here, for me and for my family, but also for you, the universe (as in personal > universal). In this series I will write about the journey our family will be taking toward having a fourth child. It isn’t precisely for certain . . . but I just sort of feel the presence of another person in our family in the future, and Sid and I have begun to talk about it.

I’m going to start at the very beginning. Sid and I never set a number of the amount of children we want to have. When we were first married, we thought we may never have children, we were so content just to be together. We didn’t plan Jonny, but weren’t opposed to the idea of having a baby at the time he was conceived. I miscarried the year after Jonny was born, and the emptiness in my womb triggered my very first ever episode of “baby fever.” Aveline came along and more than satiated my longing, though I still think of my baby that was never to be, I hope and pray that if somehow it was granted an eternal spirit, that it knows how badly I wanted to be it’s mommy, and that I will always love it. Sid claims his fondness for odd numbers as his reason for wanting a third child, I simply wanted another baby, I felt it would complete our family. June is just so precious to all of us! I experience such joy in watching the older two play with her and especially teach her new things. Sid and I have experienced a new level of enjoyment raising her, not just because she is a self-soother, though I’m sure that helps, but also because we are so much more relaxed with her. We have learned to let go of many unimportant things we once clung to. Life is so good!

I began to dream of a fourth baby when I knew it wasn’t the right time to have one, and I seriously doubted it would ever feel like the right thing, I suppose it was just the seed of the dream. I would joke about it with Sid and he wouldn’t let me take the conversation further. Then he would joke about it other times and I wouldn’t let him take the conversation further (whether he wanted to or not, I don’t know).

About three weeks ago my period came a little bit late, and it is typical for me to experience euphoria around the onset of my period *Okay that’s very personal, and according to my amateur field research, it isn’t universal, but whatever!* So I had a sleepless night, and in my euphoria I decided it would be perfect for me to be pregnant with twin boys! I even begged the Lord that it would be so and began naming them! It made such sense in my mind, we would be forced into everything we’re on the fence about now, such as, do we get the minivan? Do we turn the garage into a master bedroom? Do we have any more children? Should Sid get a vasectomy? Yes, yes, duh and yes, if I were pregnant with twin boys! Well anyway it was fun to laugh at myself the next morning and tell Sid about it. Of course, my period did start later that day. Nevertheless, I had talked to God about my desire, so that experience sort of became the soil, a place in my heart to plant the seed of the dream.

Sometime around the beginning of last week I told Sid that I was thinking seriously about having one more baby. I told him that if he didn’t want to, we wouldn’t, end of conversation. The idea stirred around in his head for a bit and as I mentioned, we’ve been talking about it a lot. He has been a lot more open to the idea than I expected. It was pleasing to my heart to hear him asking his mom how old his dad was when they had him . . . Hannah . . . and then Sam, the youngest of his siblings. He really was thinking about it! And praise of all praises, this man that I married 12 1/2 years ago came to the conclusion that we should have another baby because “That’s what life is all about anyway . . . family.” He doesn’t just say it either, he lives that statement. Indeed, praise of all praises. His dedication to us has given me the the great privilege to dream of having another baby! This is the consistent source of water for the seed of the dream.

So, only the very next day we went to check out the Honda Odyssey! Man those cars are great. I have to admit that now that Sid is on board, I can’t help but doubt the choice from time to time. Especially when June’s screaming and wanting “nummy,” or when I’m sewing and loving the process, but imagining the possibility that I’d have to put away my “studio” for a long time after the baby arrives. But come on, sewing? Or baby? No contest! I’m definitely loving letting the dream develop in different situations of our daily life. Most of the time it just feels right to move toward another pregnancy. But I keep wanting to just give it to God, allow his grace and blessings, what’s already right around me, remind me to breathe and enjoy now. And that is sunshine on the leaves of the sprout of the dream.

So, there we are. A big fat “We’ll see!” But as it is, I am very excited to bring intentionality to this experience (should it become one) through writing in every step and stage.

I want to mention too, that I’m totally open to questions and discussion regarding any of this, please ask/comment away!

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home life my thoughts

A new link

February 16, 2009 – 5:46 pm

I’ve added a new link. It’s for Path to Freedom. I read about their urban homestead (a self-sustaining home in the city) in Mother Earth News Magazine and now have concluded that slowly transforming our home into a homestead, or something close to it, is the perfect goal for me to aspire to! It combines the life I yearn for, in my depths, with the life I now live, offering me so much to work toward. And after all what is life without work? Ask King Soloman! So I hope you’ll check them out and glean something good.

I feel like I’ve been slowly and unknowingly drawn to the homestead lifestyle for several years now, we home school, we do home haircutting, and all three of our children were born at home, with a midwife.  Also, I’ve enjoyed using cloth diapers since Miss Aveline was in them, my sweet husband erected a clothesline for me in the backyard last Summer.  Then there’s my sincere affection for Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books, also I had a great garden at my previous home including an abundant luffa harvest (though all of my gardening efforts in my new yard failed miserably last Summer), then there’s the knitting and sewing that I enjoy, the homemade lip balm given as Christmas presents in 06 and 07, and the loquat jam I made last Spring from our lovely loquat harvest. So now, hopefully, with the stock of info and inspiration offered by the Dervaes Family, we can continue on toward our dreams for this life and land of ours! I am beyond thrilled that my husband is just as excited about this endeavor as I am!

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A Great Article and Some Thoughts

February 1, 2009 – 10:54 am

Check out this great article . . .  Thanks Jeanine!

 

Babies Know: A Little Dirt is Good for You

 

The latest scientific findings support that we were created to live on the earth, intimately connected with nature.  It used to be that the more we’d find out, the more we’d have to worry about. But now it looks like much more balance is emerging.  To me, that declares God’s love and tender care for us, that he created us out of love, and created us to live on this most glorious, beautiful, dangerous, challenging and serene planet. Things that we find out through the latest scientific research, like dirt being good for babies’ immune systems, speak of God’s motherliness.  I know that my joy in watching my kids get into the mud, into the dirt, into the land, and my joining in with them, is an experience created by God, for me, in the image of His own joy.  And I now know (though I’ve always known, intuitively) that there is very little risk in allowing them to follow their instincts outside!  This brings me such peace, such a sense of the freedom that God wants me to have all the time.  I want to live in it!  Never leave that peace and freedom!  To me, these are the features of a life, closer to the land.  Trusting the wisdom of the generations that were here before me, learning the skills to survive with little and making the most of abundance.  This is what I would be seeking in living a homestead life.  The older I get the stronger the urge and the more intense the longing.  I feel like that would be where real life, with God, would begin. More quiet, at times in need and struggling, praying in new ways, living with big questions, no answers and seeing God everywhere, outdoors, in my longing, in the faces of my family, in my cold and in my warmth.  But who the heck willingly seeks out a higher level of adversity in their life?  I know it would be worth it, in my depths, but society’s voice is a loud force in my brain, one that exerts much more influence over me than I would like to admit.  And if I’m honest, I do not have the strength nor the will to pull and persuade a strong man and three children to join me in that adversity.  Or do I?

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breastfeeding home education home life mothering my children my thoughts thoughts of others

Life-giving Mustard Seed Blessing

January 8, 2009 – 7:48 pm

This morning we dropped Sid off at the airport, so that he could catch a plane to Texas for a tattoo convention.  On our way home Jonny, Aveline, June and I stopped off at one of our favorite places Cream Pan, a Japanese bakery in Tustin.  There were four pretty Asian women together at a table behind us and at one point I overheard one woman explaining to her friend beside her, how she had nursed her little babies in the night, that they slept beside her and she would barely wake up to roll over and nurse them!  I couldn’t help myself, I turned around and apologized for overhearing, then I said, “That’s exactly what I’ve done with all of my babies!”  She went on to tell me that her friend hasn’t been getting any sleep since she’s been waking up so often to get out of bed to go to the baby’s room to nurse him back to sleep.  She went on to describe her family’s “family bed” which was comprised of two king-size beds pushed together, I told her I dream of that much sleeping space for us!  In their bed(s), she and her husband and their three children had all shared sleep.  Later, she said, her children all together shared one of the beds in another room.  She told me about their unusually close relationships to one another, now that they are older, and how she feels that her children fight with each other less often than other siblings she knows.  She said, “It’s an investment, it’s the whole Dr. Sears thing.”  I said that that’s the way I see it and that I am shooting for quality relationships like the ones she is now enjoying with her children, and her children are enjoying with one another.  She told me “Good job, keep going, it’ll be wonderful, you’ll see.”  Sweet!

 

We came home and I started our homeschooling day by reading a spirit blessing from a handy little pamphlet entitled Daily Spirit Blessings; With the Blessings of Your Father and the Names of God by Arthur Burk and Sylvia Gunter.  Here’s the one we read:

 

Day 3 – I bless you with life-giving relationships.

Spirit, your Father designed you to receive life-giving and be spiritually life-giving.  He will bring you people who will cause you to leap for joy.  I bless you with people who minister to you, spirit.  I bless you with divine appointments where God connects you for a moment or an hour with mighty men and women of God.  I bless you with drawing life-giving strength from their spirits.  I bless you with God bringing joyful people, with companionship with those who know the joy of the Lord.  I bless you with being mutually life-giving.  I bless you in the name of the Ultimate Life-giver.

 

For me, my experience with the mother at Cream Pan was an encounter with a life-giving spirit!  I had left there feeling uplifted, validated and joyful to go forward with my philosophy and convictions when I wasn’t especially needing it, and definitely not looking for it.  This woman was an unexpected source, too!  She was strikingly beautiful and glamorous, she wore impeccable makeup and stylish clothing.  I thanked God for that encounter and then came home to be surprised and blessed by this blessing I would pray for my children’s spirits.  It confirmed the gift of my encounter, in my heart, as a true gift from God.  He knows I’ve been trying to notice them more, so He gave me a freebie today!  

 

After I read the blessing, I explained to Jonny and Aveline (and June, as she scribbled and showed me her drawing of “A, A, A, A,” as she called it!) that I felt that blessing was for me too because of the woman I had spoken with at Cream Pan.  Then I went on to our Bible reading for the day from The Golden Children’s Bible.  This is what I read:

 

THE GRAIN OF MUSTARD SEED

He put forth another parable to them, saying:  

“The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in the field.  It is indeed the least of all seeds, but when it is grown it is the greatest among plants, and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and build nests in its branches.” 

I told the kids that I thought that meant that if our lowly little hearts are planted in Jesus, then we can be like the mustard plant that becomes a tree.  That our spirits will become strong and steady as they grow, and will have so much to offer to other people.  And that we will be mutually life-giving to those who are life-giving to us.

 

And I just thought I’d share that.  Thank you for reading : )  

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