Okay, so holy moly, I’m pregnant! I’m 13 weeks along and after hearing the heartbeat yesterday, I finally feel like it’s totally real. We waited much longer than we usually do to tell people, partly because we were so stunned by the news ourselves, partly because I was overwhelmed by the news and partly because of my previous miscarriage (2002/2003) in which I had no idea it was a no-go until I was 16 weeks along.
Jonny, Aveline and I went to see my wonderful midwife, Susan Gill yesterday for my first prenatal appointment. It feels like home there with her. Aveline told me later that I seemed different while we were in there, that I seemed kinda jumpy and excited, funny! I told her that doesn’t surprise me because I’m always excited to talk to Sue.
If you were a reader in the past, you might remember that I kept a fourth child journal, all about my desire to have a fourth child, and then my eventual pregnancy with, and birth of, my fourth child. I wanted him so bad, but I struggled with that desire. I struggled with it because I’m a very content person and somehow I (or possibly others) convinced myself that I was selfish to want another. I really anguished over that decision and I attributed way too much importance to the “advice” and input of others. Now, when Sid and I look at Indy (our fourth) we can’t help but say that the people that discouraged us from having another child were, well, idiots, (sorry) because he literally is the best thing that happened, not just to Sid and I, but to our three older children, as well. We love him infinitely more than we had imagined, and we had imagined loving him infinitely, so let’s see the equation for that!
This time, with this pregnancy being an “oops” – no wait, oops is the wrong expression, “oh crap”? “oh wow”? Ha ha, well it was all of those at some point! But with all said and done, we now feel mostly like “Thank you, Lord.” I guess, I’ll just put it this way, with this pregnancy being unexpected, I feel so blessed to get to be pregnant without having to do all that anguishing! And I literally do not care if anyone thinks that this pregnancy is less than wonderful, because I am convinced it was meant to be and I am so, so excited. It is a great source of joy to me, like when you were a kid and you got that amazing toy for Christmas and then the next morning you forget why your so happy and then the toy comes back to mind … Every time baby #5 comes to mind I get giddy, peaceful and full of joy all at the same time.
-I want to add a special note. Sue and I decided to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler ONLY because I had concerns due to my previous miscarriage. She wanted to alleviate any anxiety, and the sound of that sweet beating did. But, before you get a 2nd ultrasound and for sure before you buy an at-home fetal doppler, please look into the risks. She would only put it on me for a quick minute and even recommended that, if she couldn’t find the heart beat fast, I get a full ultrasound rather than keep the doppler on my abdomen for too long (lucky for me she found it fast). She knows her stuff, please look into it, it’s something conventional practitioners don’t mention.