I recently watched a special on one of my favorite authors, Henri Nouwen, an idea of his particularly stuck with me. He believed that what is most personal, is also most universal. When you read his writing it is easy to see that this principle guided him, such a precious, open and giving soul he was. In that spirit I would like to start a sort of series of personal writings on here, for me and for my family, but also for you, the universe (as in personal > universal). In this series I will write about the journey our family will be taking toward having a fourth child. It isn’t precisely for certain . . . but I just sort of feel the presence of another person in our family in the future, and Sid and I have begun to talk about it.

I’m going to start at the very beginning. Sid and I never set a number of the amount of children we want to have. When we were first married, we thought we may never have children, we were so content just to be together. We didn’t plan Jonny, but weren’t opposed to the idea of having a baby at the time he was conceived. I miscarried the year after Jonny was born, and the emptiness in my womb triggered my very first ever episode of “baby fever.” Aveline came along and more than satiated my longing, though I still think of my baby that was never to be, I hope and pray that if somehow it was granted an eternal spirit, that it knows how badly I wanted to be it’s mommy, and that I will always love it. Sid claims his fondness for odd numbers as his reason for wanting a third child, I simply wanted another baby, I felt it would complete our family. June is just so precious to all of us! I experience such joy in watching the older two play with her and especially teach her new things. Sid and I have experienced a new level of enjoyment raising her, not just because she is a self-soother, though I’m sure that helps, but also because we are so much more relaxed with her. We have learned to let go of many unimportant things we once clung to. Life is so good!

I began to dream of a fourth baby when I knew it wasn’t the right time to have one, and I seriously doubted it would ever feel like the right thing, I suppose it was just the seed of the dream. I would joke about it with Sid and he wouldn’t let me take the conversation further. Then he would joke about it other times and I wouldn’t let him take the conversation further (whether he wanted to or not, I don’t know).

About three weeks ago my period came a little bit late, and it is typical for me to experience euphoria around the onset of my period *Okay that’s very personal, and according to my amateur field research, it isn’t universal, but whatever!* So I had a sleepless night, and in my euphoria I decided it would be perfect for me to be pregnant with twin boys! I even begged the Lord that it would be so and began naming them! It made such sense in my mind, we would be forced into everything we’re on the fence about now, such as, do we get the minivan? Do we turn the garage into a master bedroom? Do we have any more children? Should Sid get a vasectomy? Yes, yes, duh and yes, if I were pregnant with twin boys! Well anyway it was fun to laugh at myself the next morning and tell Sid about it. Of course, my period did start later that day. Nevertheless, I had talked to God about my desire, so that experience sort of became the soil, a place in my heart to plant the seed of the dream.

Sometime around the beginning of last week I told Sid that I was thinking seriously about having one more baby. I told him that if he didn’t want to, we wouldn’t, end of conversation. The idea stirred around in his head for a bit and as I mentioned, we’ve been talking about it a lot. He has been a lot more open to the idea than I expected. It was pleasing to my heart to hear him asking his mom how old his dad was when they had him . . . Hannah . . . and then Sam, the youngest of his siblings. He really was thinking about it! And praise of all praises, this man that I married 12 1/2 years ago came to the conclusion that we should have another baby because “That’s what life is all about anyway . . . family.” He doesn’t just say it either, he lives that statement. Indeed, praise of all praises. His dedication to us has given me the the great privilege to dream of having another baby! This is the consistent source of water for the seed of the dream.

So, only the very next day we went to check out the Honda Odyssey! Man those cars are great. I have to admit that now that Sid is on board, I can’t help but doubt the choice from time to time. Especially when June’s screaming and wanting “nummy,” or when I’m sewing and loving the process, but imagining the possibility that I’d have to put away my “studio” for a long time after the baby arrives. But come on, sewing? Or baby? No contest! I’m definitely loving letting the dream develop in different situations of our daily life. Most of the time it just feels right to move toward another pregnancy. But I keep wanting to just give it to God, allow his grace and blessings, what’s already right around me, remind me to breathe and enjoy now. And that is sunshine on the leaves of the sprout of the dream.

So, there we are. A big fat “We’ll see!” But as it is, I am very excited to bring intentionality to this experience (should it become one) through writing in every step and stage.

I want to mention too, that I’m totally open to questions and discussion regarding any of this, please ask/comment away!