the story of June’s birth

The Birth of June Elise Stankovits

Written by her adoring mother

On a morning around the thirtieth week of my pregnancy with June, I woke up with the vivid remembrance of a dream. In the dream I was swimming in the ocean observing a girl nearby. I had the impression that she was brave, carefree and unafraid. I watched as she interacted with some friendly dolphins. This impression of her was contrasted with the impression I had of myself, I was anxious, keeping my distance, and I would never enjoy the adventure I was watching her enjoy. Then, I became the other girl and I was surrounded by the dolphins. As I looked closer I noticed that the dolphins appeared menacing with short, stubby noses and small, rotten, sharp teeth, and it looked as if they were sneering at me. I was frightened, but I cast my mind to the fact that this was not what dolphins were truly like, I knew dolphins to be gentle, fun and peaceful creatures, often amiable to humans. As my thoughts turned to this, the dolphins transformed to their true form and character and I began to frolic with them. I held on to the fin of one as he swam along, accelerated and jumped high out of the water. It was thrilling, and I was the girl enjoying the adventure.

At first I was very confused by this dream and I even laughed at how strange it was. I had it chalked up as just another weird pregnancy dream. But I soon began to believe that it was much more than that as I identified the quality of the dream with my true feelings about myself and my own fears. At that time, I was afraid for my soon coming birth. Although, I had already had two wonderful homebirths, I wondered if I would be able to manage the pain this time. I was worried about my two children and whether or not they should be present at the birth of their baby sister and I was worried in general about the medical risks involved with giving birth. This anxiety was especially unsettling because I had struggled with severe anxiety, including panic attacks almost all the way through 2005. This would be the first time I’d give birth since going through that tremulous time and a part of me worried that the same degree of anxiety I had suffered would return and cause added emotional strife to my birth.

God ministered to me through my dream, I felt emboldened to trust my understanding of childbirth, which was represented by the dolphins. The dolphin was going to carry me along through unknown waters and that is not an experience to take part in without some level of healthy fear. But the fear must not stop me from going for the ride with every iota of my energy, effort, dedication, and awareness so that I should not miss out on embracing the entirety of this miraculous event. I did not feel that I was exempt from possible complications, but I felt that no matter what cropped up during my birth, I do possess the strength not to fall into debilitating panic, but to carry on and promote what is the very best thing for my baby and myself. I thanked God for the dream, what an invaluable gift he had imparted to me!

*

The fortification that I had received from my dream would turn out to be much needed in my thirty-eighth week. I had expected to go into labor that week since my first two children had been born around that time in my previous pregnancies. My husband, Sid, had even started his time off from work that week. We were ready for the baby to come. On the very first day of that week, May 7th, Sid woke up with intense pain in his upper abdomen. I thought, “Oh how sweet, he’s having sympathy pain for my soon coming labor!” We would soon enough learn that that was not the case.

Sid coped with the pain at first but as the day wore on, it worsened until he was barely responsive. His mother took him to the emergency room and he had surgery that evening. Sid had an amniotic band around his small intestine causing a blockage (an extremely rare condition for a man 35 years of age). The intestine preceding the blockage was rotted and dying, so the surgeon removed six inches. Afterward the doctor told us that the portion of intestine that was removed most likely would have ruptured within the next couple of days, and my husband most likely would not have survived had that happened. Needless to say, I was very glad to learn that Sid almost died, after he was fixed!

With daddy recovering in the hospital that week, I pleaded with baby June that she not come out until he was home to help me welcome her properly. My midwife, Lorri, was at a conference and going to leave it immediately if I was going into labor in order to attend my birth. Knowing my history, and since it was the beginning of my 38th week, she had Amber, the other midwife at South Coast Midwifery call to check on me. It was the day after Sid’s surgery. I told Amber what was going on and she informed me that I would probably not go into labor very soon due to the stress of my family’s situation. We talked for a little while and she heartened me a great deal with genuine sympathy and encouragement. I was so very thankful for the loving support of my precious friends at S.C.M. Because of the nature of the care they provide I knew I would be okay, even if it was time to have June before Sid came home. What a blessing to have that assurance!

My sister-in-law was watching my children when I had my 38 week check with my midwife. It was Sid’s third day in the hospital and I had just been with him there. I walked through the front door of the office and Lindsey and April, two of the wonderful women that work at S.C.M., looked up at me and concernedly said, “Jen,” knowing my family’s situation. I immediately started crying, releasing the intensity of the week’s events. Just then, Lorri came into the waiting room and hugged me where I stood. Considering all that was going on, it was truly wonderful to have a place where I was nurtured and comforted, a place where I could cry and where my physical and emotional well-being were given priority. Lorri and her staff proved to be a cornerstone to me during one of the most difficult times I have encountered.

*

I’m pleased to report that baby June obliged my request to not make her grand debut until after Sid came home from the hospital! He came home on Thursday, May 10th, late at night. Over the next two weeks he continued to recover and I enjoyed being pregnant longer than I ever had before! During this time and the week before Sid had gone into the hospital, I had numerous contractions of varying strength, and at least four times I was sure I was in labor. Each time the scenario was the same; I would feel very strong contractions in the night and mentally gear up to do my great work. Then I’d get back in bed to rest up, expecting that I’d be meeting my new baby sometime the next day. All of this, only to wake up in the morning, still pregnant and no longer contracting. Those mornings were very disappointing and the days became frustrating. I was starting to struggle with a bad attitude.

I knew I needed to change my thinking in order to conquer the negative feelings I was having. I figured I should try to stop expecting labor to happen. I carried that out by going on with life as though I wasn’t approaching my due date. Together with my husband and kids, I ran errands when otherwise I would have stayed home to rest, “just in case.” I focused on the reality that I was in the final days of what will probably be my final pregnancy, then I asked myself how I wanted to experience those fleeting moments. The answer was that I wanted to spend that time mindfully attuned to all of the reasons that I love being pregnant. I love holding a little, precious life in my uterus, my abdomen, my belly, my womb. It’s a constant snuggle with a sweet, little someone! I love allowing my body to do the complex magic of sustaining such a pure being with warmth, nourishment, love and things man still can’t explain scientifically. I do love being pregnant, I didn’t want to let that get away from me.

In these days I cherished every one of June’s detectable movements. I talked to her and played her music from a little toy that my two older children and I had picked out for her. I used this time to adore my older children and snuggle with them in these last moments of being a mother of two. I also spent time pondering the tools I had learned from Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (my very favorite childbirth book), which I had recently perused in preparation for June’s birth. Boy, did this mindset change the way I experienced those days, which I now consider to be some of the best of my life.

*

On May 24th, three days past my due date, around 8:20 PM, my family and I were in and around our bed. I was having some mild contractions but was ignoring them as I had had a plethora of them in the previous weeks. Frivolously, I decided to try something, when the next contraction came I got up onto my knees, which I had spread wide apart. When I did that, I felt a sudden sensation almost as if June had kicked or punched right down into my birth canal! I suspected that my waters would soon be all over the bed, so I said, “Oh my gosh!” jumped off the bed and tightened up, trying to hold it in. Sid excitedly asked if my water had just broken and I answered, “Maybe.” When I relaxed a bit, I felt a trickle so I corrected myself, “Yes!” I then swiftly moved to the toilet.

We called Lorri to let her know that my water had broken and I told her that I didn’t feel anything yet. She advised me to call her back if I felt anything at all. Then, about ten minutes later, she called back to let us know she was going to start on her way over to our house. Her insight definitely steered her to the right choice in this matter.

Sid and the kids began to tidy up the house, and not having any substantial contractions yet, I tidied with them. But before I knew it, I was needing to pause my tidying in order to breathe through my contractions. This was when the reality hit, I was in labor!! That realization overwhelmed me! My mind began to race with thoughts of the baby, and what the next few hours had in store for me and her. I was 55% panicked, 25% exhilerated and 20% elated, three facets of one intense charge.

Lorri arrived around nine o’clock and began quietly setting things up. I was on the toilet and using one of the tools I had learned from that great book. During each contraction, with my exhalations I would give a steady, low-pitched vocalization. This would help my cervix to relax and open, according to Ina May’s Sphincter Law. I loved the way this practice helped me to feel centered and focused. Plus, it was a way for me to be proactive, helping to move my labor forward. Usually when I experience significant anxiety, my instinct is to withdraw or at least hesitate, just as I started out the distant observer in my dolphin dream, so it took courage to act proactively. It feels good to know that I was able to find it within myself to do that when the situation called for it. I had grabbed and held on to that dolphin’s fin!

When I was finished with the toilet Lorri asked if she could check me. Yes! I was very interested to know where I was at in the process. I laid myself down on the bed, where she had prepared for me. She started, ” Okay you’re, let’s see, three . . .” She paused and in that moment I thought, “Oh man I have quite a way to go,” but then she continued, ” . . . Four . . . five . . . six . . . seven. You’re between six and seven centimeters.” By then I was having another contraction and she heartened me saying, “Jennifer, it won’t be very much longer and your baby will be in your arms.” I was thrilled to know of my dilation, and it had only been about 45 minutes since my water had broken! All those weeks of contractions may have been the long, drawn out, early stages of labor. Around this time Lorri began to rub my legs strongly, she continued to do this through much of my labor and it felt absolutely wonderful.

Sid came back into our bedroom with the kids. I told the kids that I had read in a book that if I made noises like a cow’s noises, then that would help the baby to come out and that was why I sounded so funny. I could sense my son’s nervousness and I felt for him. I told him that it was okay for him to go and play video games if he wanted, but he stayed. I don’t think he wanted to be alone at such an eventful time. One of the things that had concerned me about having my kids present at the birth was that I didn’t want them to worry about me. At the same time, I thought that attending a birth at such a young age, safely in their own home, could be a very positive, life-altering and educational event. We had talked a lot about what the birth would be like and I had shown them pictures of births in my books. I felt fairly confident that sharing this experience would turn out to be a good thing for our family.

Pretty soon Sherill and Sarah, the other two birth attendants arrived. Sarah would be in charge of the video camera and Sherill went around quietly assisting Lorri. My contractions were very, very strong and I was really needing to go inside myself with each one in order to cope. I vividly remember one contraction that was so strong that I literally felt June’s head moving down and opening my cervix. After it subsided I exclaimed, “That one felt like progress!” Lorri said that she thought that was a great way for me to perceive my contractions at that stage.

I was aware throughout the most intense phase of my labor, that God was sending me great blessings of encouragement and empowerment between each of my contractions. A lot of the time it was Sid, his presence and his words. One particular blessing came from my daughter, Aveline, who’s three. She approached me from the side of the bed and put one hand on my cheek and the other on my forehead, she said, “Mom, you’re doing such a good job, I love you so much,” with the sweetest, most peaceful smile. Then she kissed my cheek. It was unexpected to be presented with her affection during this time. I was glad to have a few moments to bask in the delight my sweet little daughter gives me, before returning to my work.

Soon after this my son Jonny, who’s five and-a-half, came to the side of the bed and with one hand on his hip, his head tilted to one side, and the other hand vertical, out in front of his chest, gesturing toward me, said very matter-of-factly, “Mom, I think you’re gonna feel a lot better after the baby comes out.” I responded, “I think you’re right, Jonny, thank you.” It was comforting to be reminded of the intense relief I would soon enjoy! I’m so proud of Jonny that even though he was anxious in the midst of the birth, he found the strength to offer me encouragement.

I mentioned before that I thought that having my kids present at the birth would be a positive experience for us as a family, but what I didn’t expect was that my children would end up being a source of peace and strength for me during my enormous work. Aside from their verbal encouragement, their presence caused me think about the way I wanted to respond to the pain, rather than just reacting to it, unthinkingly. I didn’t want them to worry that I wasn’t okay, I wanted them to see that they have a very strong mama!

*

I had been very, very hot throughout my labor thus far and my husband had opened the window on the wall at the head of our bed. I had felt slight breezes here and there come through the window. At this point, my memory doesn’t quite jive with time and space because when I recall the event I’m about to write about, I feel that no one was in the room with me, however I know for a fact that at this stage of my labor I was never left alone. I also, in my memory of it, have two perspectives, one of experiencing it myself, and another of watching myself experience it from the side. What happened was a strong, cold wind came through the window above me. It was supernatural in the way it moved and in the way it felt. It moved toward my legs, came down, curled back and washed over me from my belly up to my chest and finally over my face. It felt so good, especially as it washed over my face. I tilted my head far back on my pillow, closed my eyes, breathed it in deeply, smiled in gratitude for the perfection of its timing and savored the refreshment, peace and relaxation it delivered to me. I would come to realize over the next few days that this breeze had been another spiritual gift from God.

It was time for Lorri to check me again. When she did she informed me that I was completely dilated, and that in just a few minutes my baby would be in my arms! I could hardly believe that it was happening so fast, I was in transports of delight, so I proclaimed, “I’m so excited!!!” I was smiling, feeling like crying in joy, but I still had my intensely hard work to complete. Smiling was another tool I had learned from Ina May’s book, again part of her Sphincter Law. Smiling between contractions had felt better and seemed more appropriate to the situation than I would have imagined. It captured and expressed all that I was feeling toward my baby in these overwhelmingly difficult and joyful moments.

I asked Lorri if I should push and she told me to do whatever I felt like doing. I wanted to try pushing, so I did. It felt good to push. I put so much strength into one push that I was afraid I would damage my body, so I relented and tensed a bit. Lorri must have perceived what I was doing because she calmly told me, “Jennifer, you’re doing everything right.” That put a quick end to my fear of hurting myself, and thus my hesitation and tension. I continued on, full throttle, no holds barred with my pushing! I’m so grateful for Lorri’s experienced insight.

Around this time, Aveline came to me again. She told me that she saw me open up, to show me what she meant she put her little hands together and then opened them, keeping her fingertips and the heels of her hands together. She said that she saw a little black thing inside and that was the baby’s head! Everyone had been explaining that to her and she was so excited to tell me! I was excited too, I was getting really close to finishing my work.

In the next few contractions June’s head came out, and when it did I screamed, perhaps the most authentic scream of my life! And amniotic fluid sprayed out of me. But if Aveline tells the story, then her little baby sister spit water at her when she was coming out!!

Then there was rest. I remember that in this rest I leaned my head far back, closed my eyes firmly and went inside myself to try to keep focused and remain as relaxed as possible, since I felt on the verge of hysteria. In these moments I remember being acutely aware, and almost wishing I wasn’t because of the exceeding overwhelmingness of the situation, that my little baby daughter’s head was out and that her body was currently in my birth canal. I remember trying to retreat from that reality, but then it wasn’t possible to retreat. It consumed me. And now, I’m pleased that it did because that means that I didn’t miss out on any part of this glorious event. My consciousness, my energy and my effort were right there all the time.

It seemed like a long time before my next contraction came. When it did, I pushed with everything I had left in me. As June’s body came through I screamed again, and she was out! Into Daddy’s hands! It was 10:01 PM, about an hour and forty minutes after my water had broken!

Sid brought her to my chest and laid her there. She was quiet, still and grey, my attention and love were rapturously attuned to her. Lorri assured us that she was just peaceful and content and that her cord was still pulsating delivering plenty of blood to sustain her. Two times during this acquainting rest, Lorri rubbed June’s back to stimulate her and each time she belted out a sweet and healthy cry. Then she would immediately return to her peaceful state, snuggling with Mama, skin to skin, for the first time ever. I just held her, touched her and stared at her, over the moon to finally see her face! I told her she did such a good job waiting for Daddy to get home to come out. I kissed her excessively. Oh! She’s so precious! What bliss those moments were.

Afterward, I was shaky, especially my legs. My birth attendants warmed me and June with heated towels and gave me things to drink to help stabilize me. Soon June was enjoying her first helping of colostrum. I had so looked forward to giving her nums! I asked what the date was, curious as to what day we’d be celebrating June’s birthday in the years to come. It was the 24th of May, Lorri’s birthday, also! Sid weighed June, she was eight and-a-half pounds, my biggest baby! A full pound and seven ounces larger than my son had been. Considering that, I was very pleased when Lorri informed me that I had not torn at all.

I consider the days I’ve given birth to be the best days of my life. I’m blessed to have spent those days at home, comfortably, with my family. There are so many things that occur when babies first come into the world that are unseen. I feel that without the added stimulus of hospital protocol, I was able to restfully, automatically and somewhat unknowingly, engage in the unseen. These unseen things foster an unsearchable bond between baby and mother, they lay a foundation for the relationship. They change you and your baby forever. Each time I have given birth I’ve felt my mind expand and alter, I experience life much differently after each of these mind expansion-alterations. I almost don’t recognize the pregnant person I was the very day before, after I’ve given birth. Life becomes more vivid and concentrated, more beatific, yet scarier and sadder too. It’s very difficult to articulate these things, being intangible as they are.

*

Well three and-a-half months later, June continues to be a peaceful and happy baby, and I continue to stare into her eyes, hoping she’ll share the secrets of the universe with me, telepathically (Ha ha!). I think of her birth often and I try to remind her of it. I’m filled with such wonderful, rich, colorful feelings whenever I revisit those moments in my memory. I’m proud of the work I did and I thank God that he blessed me with a short labor. That breeze that revitalized me so, has come to represent God’s acknowledgment of my efforts to live by my convictions in my mothering, including my choices and efforts in giving birth. I cherish the encouragement I received from my children while laboring. The manner in which their little spirits fortified me is singular to this experience and I’m grateful to have had an encounter with that facet of their beings. I rejoice in the fact that Sid is alive and well, that he helped me give birth to June, that he is here to know her and love her and share himself with her.

My dolphin dream turned out to be a far more accurate symbolic foreshadowing of my birth than I had imagined. It guided me to the right mindset to approach my birth with. I needed to have a proactive attitude in my labor, I needed to grab a hold of the dolphin’s fin, despite my trepidation. Once in motion, I needed to hold on, riding the ups and downs of each jump, of each contraction. I needed to trust the skill of the dolphin, the birthing mechanisms of my body. What I never would have expected to become a part of my birth experience was the intense thrill I felt between the contractions, knowing I was moments from my introduction to my third child, like the thrill I felt speeding through the water and soaring through the air with the dolphin. In both scenarios I was triumphant in conquering my fears and I went on to reap the rewards of finding that courage, a grand adventure with a dolphin and the birth of my dreams.

The End (only not really)